My neurosis has flared up like a case of spiritual herpies. Note to self: spellcheck hates herpies and would rather drop the subject, thankyouverymuch.
I’m trying to keep the demons at bay, distracting myself from the shit that keeps popping up.
Most people, when talking about the shit that bounces against the walls of their mind, say that they “hear” ‘I’m not good enough.” I hear the following: “YOU FUCKING SLUT!! DIE, WHORE! DIE!!” My inner c**t has a liking for death metal. And I think it has Tourette’s. That bitch.
I’d like to trade them for a day…or they might be lying in order to make themselves seem a little less crazy. Only that person knows, and s/he ain’t talking.
When traveling in a group of 24 mostly deaf people who refuse to wear their hearing aids, you’ll find that the simplest tasks can be taken to the next level with the right amount of impromptu loud talk-over-each-other meetings and votes to become a tedious pain in the ass. The only time we don’t take a vote is when someone has to take a shit. You just need to wait by the door and hope to the deity of your choice that s/he didn’t decide to read a book in there. Which makes sense, since that’s the only way to have any alone time.
I’m not always this bitchy, it’s just venting out the bullshit so that I can get back to the good stuff. If I type this down, maybe I can get it off my mind. Maybe. I do feel a little bit better now, though…was it worth the rant? I’m not sure. Is it really healthy to post only happy, shiny things, or is it just to keep from, God forbid, looking bad? To people you don’t even know. Who in all honesty don’t know you.
Why do I do this? Well, because nobody likes a whiner. It upsets the ‘natural’ balance of lying about true feelings and makes “them” feel bad.
Who are they? The source of which we shall not speak bad things to, lest we be named petty bitches? Not a clue. You don’t find them. They find you.
In the meantime, I’m going to look for yet another shiny distraction until this feeling subsides. It’s just a momentary drop; it soon will pass.